Every year, Dodge's school had a day
where a few of the parents came in and talked about their careers.
They called it Career Day.
This year was Darnell's turn and he was a little nervous.
When you work at a seafood restaurant,
you have to go to the fish market every morning.
The high-end sushi establishments get there at 5:00 a.m.
to purchase the best crabs.
Your all-you-can seafood buffets and such
arrive around 7:00 and select crabs like this one.
I roll in around 11:30
and buy crabs like this.
In conclusion, crabs are as different as you and me.
And that's why I like my job as a Crab Man.
And I used to work for a clandestine government agency.
I'm the only reason you kids aren't speaking Russian right now.
- What'd you think? - I learned a lot.
I didn't know there were crabs that looked like that first one.
It was too long.
Don't be offended.
Randy's wearing a watch for the first time.
He's timing everything.
I got it from some old guy at the Crab Shack
that wanted to trade me for one of my molars.
I think I got the better end of the deal.
The under part of my tooth was all black and it smelled awful.
Baby, we gotta talk.
We got a little bit of an awkward situation with Dodge.
We should go.
I need to talk to you, too.
Dodge was too afraid to tell you,
but he wants his old daddy to go Career Day.
Why would he want me? I don't know Darnell's job.
Dodge said everybody is gonna have their real daddies there
except for that kid with two mommies
but both they look more like daddies anyway.
You still haven't told Dodge I'm not his real father?
How can I? I'm trying to give him a solid foundation in life, Earl.
How can I go chopping away at it now
telling him it's all been nothing but a web of lies?
We could try honesty.
Honesty's what got your sister Pam killed.
That's true.
Come on, Earl.
You gotta do this, period.
You owe Dodge.
Joy was right.
#174 on my list was "Ruined Dodge's Career Day."
Back when I was still married to Joy,
I was one of the parents who went to speak about my career.
I am a world-famous highly paid doctor.
I make close to $27,000 a year.
This over here is an x-ray machine. And this...
is an x-ray of my patient's tummy.
I see the car and the yo-yo, but where's the little Lego construction guy?
I had a joke.
Sorry, Earl. I think he's still stuck right here.
Listen.
All units, hospital burglary report.
Suspects are two white males.
May be traveling with a stolen x-ray machine.
They're on to us.
Stop! Come back!
- Let me in! - Come over here!
Hi, I'm Billy's dad.
And as you probably guessed, I'm a cop.
DOGDE'S DAD
I never really enjoyed pretending to be Dodge's dad,
but it was a lot easier than telling a little kid
that his real father was a random loser from a Ronnie James Dio concert.
... made fun of people with accents,
snatched a kid's Halloween candy when he came to trick-or-treat.
Excuse me, Mr. Hickey, but I believe that was me.
The accent or the candy?
Tell you what, come see me after class.
Any questions?
Dodge's mom is married to a black man. I've seen him.
Where you going with this?
Why don't you have Dodge every weekend like all the other divorced dads?
Because last weekend,
Dodge came to my birthday party and the black guy dropped him off.
Why don't I live with you on weekends? Don't you like me?
Yeah, I like you!
Of course!
I just don't wanna get in Darnell's way 'cause...
he's your stepdad and he really, really likes you.
Plus, you already live with him.
So, maybe you should start shifting your love in that direction.
Burn.
Joy, this isn't fair to Dodge.
He was embarrassed. I was embarrassed.
You should be embarrassed. Where'd you buy that sweater, JaCrew?
I'm serious, Joy.
You should have seen the looks from those two mommy-daddies.
And the British kid said my parenting was "bollocks."
- You have to tell Dodge the truth. - You think he'll feel better
when he finds out his daddy's some drunk at a Molly Hatchet concert?
You mean Ronnie James Dio.
You've always said it was a Ronnie James Dio concert.
Molly Hatchet, Ronnie James Dio...
All I remember is we were in the men's room.
It was crowded, and it was hard to get my leather pants off in that stall.
Hold on. You said it happened under the concession stand
while you were kneeling on a box of cups and he continued selling nachos.
- I didn't say that. - Yes, you did. Remember, I asked you
if a parent-teacher conference was an appropriate place to tell this?
Joy, you're lying. Did it even happen at a concert?
Do you know who Dodge's real father is?
Fine!
It's Little Chubby. Okay?
Little Chubby is Dodge's dad.
If we looked surprised, it was because we were.
The Chubbys were the most powerful family in Camden.
Little Chubby's father, Big Chubby
owned nearly every business in town
from the dry cleaners...
You wouldn't clean your body with discount chemicals,
so why should you treat your clothes any differently?
- To the restaurants. - The taste of slow-cooking
with the sloppiest sauce around.
Then when Chubby Senior died, his empire went to his son.
Introducing the Chubby SAT Prep.
Help your child to achieve his dreams.
And dads, while your kids study the SATs,
why don't you come down and,
study a little T&A?
Chubby Tutorials is to SAT Prep...
As Club Chub is to...
erections.
Little Chubby is Dodge's Dad?
That explains why Dodge's mustache is starting to grow in already.
Joy, Little Chubby owns half this town.
The Chubbys were the first to have two cars.
This is a gold mine.
Dodge is the heir to the Chubby Empire.
It's a fool's gold mine, Earl. So, you better keep your mouth shut.
Why didn't you tell Little Chubby about this?
I went to tell him when I found out, but I saw something there that scared me
into doing the sign of the cross, even though I'm not catholic.
Joy said she made a list of things she was gonna buy on QVC,
then went to notify the man who was gonna pay the bills.
- Is Little Chubby here? - He should be back any minute.
Cool. I'll wait. Give me a bottle of champagne.
I'm not gonna drink it. I just wanna pour it all over myself.
One of my ovaries laid a golden egg.
- Somebody here pregnant with my baby? - Well, I...
You're damn right someone here is pregnant with your baby.
And I expect you to do something about it.
I will.
In this hand, I have a bus ticket, and in this hand, I have a gun.
Pick a hand.
Better hurry up. Might have a bus to catch.
I decided that I was gonna raise Dodge 100% on my own.
By tricking me into marrying you?
And then never working, never cooking, never cleaning,
making me support you?
I spent ten days in jail for stealing you a diaper genie,
which, by the way, there's nothing magic about it.
It's just crap in a bag.
It's always about you, isn't it?
You need to tell Little Chubby.
I know he used to be a psycho like his late father,
but after I kicked him in the nuts and disrupted his hormones,
he became a kinder, gentler guy.
Until his reconstructive ball surgery,
after which he became a psycho again
but when he realized he liked his nice self better,
he reracked himself.
I can't believe you don't remember this. You love ball stories.
I'm not taking any chances.
But this could make Dodge's life so much better.
It could make all your lives easier. And Dodge deserves to know.
I'm not telling Little Chubby, okay?
And you need to leave it alone.
Get out.
Even though Joy told me to leave it alone,
Little Chubby was Dodge's father,
and I knew there were ways he could make Dodge's life a lot better.
He could certainly hook him up with a hotter date to the prom.
And maybe it could make Little Chubby's life better.
How'd you know it was us?
Look up.
Hey, Hickey boys. You know, I wouldn't eat those.
The shrimp come from Camden Lake.
If you turn out the lights, I'm not gonna lie to you, they glow.
All these shows are boring.
They're not real TV shows.
They're security footage. I have cameras all over town.
I'll show you.
Let's take a look at what's going on at Chubby's Pulled Pork.
That guy's putting his wiener in a hot dog.
- His real wiener. - Yeah, that's my cook.
Every once in a while he tricks somebody into putting mustard and relish on it.
Do not change the channel.
Why don't you sit down?
This is quite a room you built for yourself.
It was a butcher shop.
But we shared a wall with the club so I bought it,
tricked it all out like this, and this is where I spend my time.
Please, let me out!
I didn't change everything.
Sometimes the refrigerated locker comes in handy.
It's so cold in here!
Maybe next time you'll think twice before deciding to,
lean against my car.
- Little Chubby? - What?
You're thinking why am I acting like a douchebag again.
There's a simple explanation to that.
I'm a douchebag again.
Little Chubby told us
he discovered that his business was no place for a nice guy.
I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but...
I think your best dancing days may be over, ma'am.
Hello, my baby!
Hello, my honey!
Hello, my ragtime gal!
Now, this is where I drop my bloomers
and let people see all the way to Florida.
Great. Well, I guess you could start Monday.
That old prune slipped off the stripper's pole
and shattered her pelvis.
I swear to God I think her vagina fell off.
As you can well imagine, the customers fled in terror.
Anyway, it's no way to run a business.
Certainly, it's not the way the old me would do it.
So, you just started acting mean?
No, I tried that, but I was...
I was hormonally incapable.
So I got a ball transplant.
- Get out. - Yeah, it's true.
You can get any type you want.
I got bull balls. They're huge.
Huge. You know. It's cool. It's a lot of fun.
Occasionally, a cow will lift its tail and all hell'll break lose,
but, you know...
What's freezing, guys? 32 degrees, right?
For the love of God!
- So, what brings you fellas over? - Who, us?
We just came by to show you my new watch.
It's a Timex.
- Okay, Earl, time to go now. - Not yet, Randy.
I need to tell you something.
And with all that new plumbing, this may even be good news.
In case you were worried you'd never be able to have a kid,
well, you do.
First of all, as far as my plumbing goes, it's just fine.
If I want to have a kid, I'll have a kid.
Might turn out to be a Minotaur, but I'll love it none the same.
Secondly, that woman said she was on the pill.
But I haven't even told you who it was yet.
Doesn't matter. I'll tell you what I'll do.
If you leave this alone, I'll leave you alone.
If you don't leave this alone...
That's a flask.
You're showing me a flask.
Sorry about that.
Oh, I get it now.
Someone sneezed on that?
Catalina, you got to help us.
We want to prove Little Chubby is Dodge's father,
and we need something with his DNA on it.
What's DNA?
That's what makes up your spit, your blood, and your boogers.
No two people's boogers are exactly alike.
They're like snowflakes.
I can't help you.
Little Chubby will ruin my life if he found out I was tricking him.
He has cameras everywhere.
Make it like you're my customer.
I'm gonna sticky hand down your pants, then you hand me a 20.
I don't have any cash on me.
Since Catalina was too afraid of Chubby to help,
me and Randy were going to have to dig in and help ourselves.
Let's get out of here.
We just need to find a cigar butt or some hair,
anything that might have Little Chubby's DNA.
All I see are a bunch of little balloons with mayonnaise in them.
Little Chubby! Run!
I was determined to prove that Little Chubby was Dodge's dad.
And even though he was powerful, he wasn't above the law.
Oh, hey, Earl. Randy. You know what the bitch of this is?
I don't know if this is an attack on me as a cop
or as a person of size.
Hoyne, we need to report a crime. We just got shot at.
Oh, God, well, we'll get right on it.
Come back to the station with me.
We'll look at some mug shots, have some cocoa.
No, we know who it was. It was Little Chubby.
But we still want the cocoa.
Jeez, I can't help you guys.
Little Chubby bought off the chief of police and the mayor.
In fact, there's an actual city ordinance now that says
if anybody accuses Little Chubby of a crime,
I got to trump up charges against 'em.
- So you're going to arrest us? - I have to.
Can't you just write me a ticket for a busted light or something?
Ah, what the hell. We're friends.
Okay, maybe Little Chubby was above the law,
but I had science on my side.
If a father and a son have the same DNA,
and the father of the son is also the son of a father...
anyway, the plan was to dig up Chubby, Senior.
You know how Dad has that,
"I'd rather be fishing" license plate frame?
I've never gotten it until now.
Let's forget this and just go fishing.
No, I'm not letting him win this time. Flick on your lighter.
I can't see what good pieces of Chubby are left.
Unfortunately, I had forgotten about Chubby's final ritual.
Let's get out of here.
Everybody took turns pouring Wild Turkey Whiskey into his coffin.
Daddy.
I can't get the smell of burnt Chubby out of my nose.
Little Chubby bought the motel. You don't live here anymore.
Ooh, I'm impressed.
You bought the motel.
Oh, and I see you've changed the name to
"Earl's A Homo Inn."
Well, that doesn't bother me.
I figured all I really needed was a few bucks
to pay for a place to sleep
and a few beers to drink our way to a solution.
Okay, I get it.
You own the whole damn town and everyone in it.
They're all so scared of you, they won't even help me.
You win. You happy?
So, that ATM machine.
What a jerk, huh?
I was out of moves.
Little Chubby won.
Little Chubby didn't win this time.
You did.
Turns out Joy might not have been listening to me, but Darnell was.
But this could make Dodge's life so much better.
It could make all your lives easier.
And Dodge deserves to know.
I'm not telling Little Chubby, okay?
So you just need to leave it alone.
Darnell thought Dodge deserved to know, too.
He realized that Little Chubby's money could help them afford luxuries.
There you go. Now they fit again.
Like new shoes.
Having been in the CIA,
the circus, and the plumber's union,
Darnell was able to accomplish what I couldn't.
Pluck a hair.
Probably nothing.
I had to do the same thing to Castro.
This was a walk in the park compared to that.
Thanks, Crab Man.
You see this? You didn't win. I won.
Me and my friends won.
I got your hair. So, screw you, Little Chubby!
Screw you!
Bastard pulled a Castro on me.
Crab Man distracted Joy while I got a sample of Dodge's DNA.
I wasn't thrilled to see him using my move,
but I had to stay focused.
The toothbrushes look the same, so I had to grab all four.
I also stole some antibacterial cream.
You got something on your back that you can't see,
and I didn't want to say anything until I had something to put on it.
I took all the DNA samples to the Camden County labs,
and when the results came in the mail, Catalina brought 'em to us.
But the results were not what I expected.
- You lied to me again, Joy. - What the hell are you talking about?
I went and had Dodge's DNA tested.
I told you to stay out of this!
How the hell did you get Little Chubby's DNA?
- Not important. - What is important,
is Little Chubby is not Dodge's father.
- Of course he is. - No, he isn't.
Says right there. Doesn't match.
This test is wrong. It's impossible.
I remember everything that happened that night.
Joy said it all happened at a Halloween party.
So, Lewinsky, you want a bone?
I like a little more meat on mine.
But as the night wore on,
the pickings got slimmer and slimmer.
I wasn't clear which costumes were for men,
and which costumes were for women.
Then the pickings got older, balder, and nakeder.
Hey, baby.
Let me ask you something.
Is it Halloween?
And, eventually,
Joy went for any bone in the storm.
Let's do this.
Joy, was that the Halloween party
where Fat Steve dressed up like the Kool-Aid guy
and broke his nose trying to run through the wall?
I wore a skeleton costume to that party.
What?
- Earl, did you do me? - If anything, you did me. I was drunk.
I don't remember anything after Fat Steve going through the wall.
- Sweet Jesus! - I know.
I'm Dodge's father.
That explains why Dodge's moustache is starting to come in already.
- We've got another problem. - What?
These three DNAs match.
That means it's you and the boys,
which makes this one mine, and it doesn't match any of those.
What does that mean?
It means I'm not Earl Jr.'s father.
Now, everybody just calm down.
Feygnasse Team Jarick & loky
End of season 4!